Good Guys and Bad Guys

(Background: I wrote this essay in one sitting. I forwarded it to my wife. She highlighted my writing in red, where she wanted to comment on it. She highlighted her comments in blue. Rather than rewrite the whole thing, I realized that the essay and her remarks actually make the most sense together!)


One of the important issues that Celina and I discussed before we became parents was how to be "on the same page" when it came to disciplining our daughter. Neither one of us wanted to be the bad guy, but we also knew that there would be times we disagreed on child-rearing decisions. Over time, we have compared notes fairly well, and our daughter is happier and better adjusted for it; she has not often played the "mommy vs. daddy" game, and has found success at it even more rarely.
When teachers make decisions regarding their students, they have a multitude of reasons for doing so, some obvious, some more subtle or longer-term. A teacher might discipline a particular student over a poorly done assignment, with a long-range goal being to improve that student's attention to detail. (Some people might disagree with that statement.) To an outside observer, capturing only a brief glimpse of that exchange, a caring teacher may seem harsh, or uncaring, or somehow ill-informed. A snapshot of an exchange between a demanding teacher and a student who feels defensive about their work would often look unbalanced to a casual observer. But on a deeper level, that teacher is making connections to her student, showing her student that she cares enough to demand better, and knowing that a student is better served by making clear such goals. In the long term, a teacher is building a relationship of caring, trust and important expectations. This paragraph doesn’t work because more thoughtful readers may question your premise – how does the observer distinguish between a “caring, demanding” teacher and one who has unrealistic expectations.
Imagine that my daughter did something wrong, something her mother was upset about and decided to punish her. No one would question that my wife cares about my daughter. (Not true – there has been enough media attention given to abusive parents that this is no longer a given.) But imagine that to me, the selected punishment or consequence was something that I deemed out of bounds, too harsh, too unforgiving, or lacking in understanding. Two ways of dealing with that present themselves to me: I can immediately overrule or disagree with my wife in front of my daughter. If you're reading this essay, you suspect the consequences of that. My other option is to meet with my wife later on, out of range of my daughter's hearing and awareness, and discuss my dissent in private. At the conclusion of this, my wife's authority in my daughter's life has been left intact, while my concerns about that particular situation have been outlined. In the second scenario, my wife and I appear monolithic to my daughter, in terms of discipline. As well, we have worked privately to achieve a consensus, and neither of us has to be the "good guy" or the "bad guy" from my daughter's perspective. Achieving consensus doesn’t always happen. What is the opposing parent’s/adult’s responsibilities and recourse then?
Let's go back for a moment to the first option, the one where I overrule my wife and, in front of my daughter and with her awareness, weigh in on an issue of momentary (what if the issue is not momentary or the observer feels it is not momentary?) importance in my daughter's favor. In that case, I've made my wife look like the "bad guy." I've made my daughter empowered, made her think that if only she can pit me against my wife, she may be able to get her way; short-term success is achieved here, but with long-term consequences to my daughter, my wife and to me.
Imagine that this personal vignette is replayed on a wider scale, between say a Herricks teacher and a parent of a student in their classroom. The student is told that he or she is not allowed some benefit, or privilege, or is to receive a consequence because of an unacceptable behavior. As long as that consequence or lost privilege is within boundaries that school or district guidelines consider to be acceptable, we must trust the teacher to be the one most informed about the relationship she is trying to build with her students. But what may proceed from a parent who thinks that this consequence or loss of a benefit is not acceptable, and acts upon it? That parent, sadly too often in Herricks, may then attempt to have the teacher overruled, by contacting a principal, an administrator and sometimes even the superintendent. If those administrators then overrule the teacher, what are the lessons learned? First, the teacher is undermined, and so too her attempts at building a long-term, trusting relationship with her student. The student himself or herself has now also learned that they don’t necessarily have to respect the decisions their teachers make. The parent too has been empowered, by realizing that anything a teacher decides can now be overruled, by simply contacting the appropriate authority. (I think this is your best paragraph but consider making your language more “approachable.” Overlong and overformal sentences put a distance between you and your audience. You also need to think about this question – when is it acceptable for someone to intervene between a teacher and student? What is the best way to handle such a situation? What are the boundaries? If you make it seem as if the teacher is always right, you’ve already lost your argument. The point should be made more clearly that there are rules of protocol for a reason and those rules include speaking with the teacher first before overruling her.)
There may be times where a teacher’s decision is out of bounds, not necessary, too harsh, and worse, outside the guidelines established by the district. (comes too late in your essay) In those cases, a parent should seek to have the decision overturned, first by contacting the teacher, and next by contacting the appropriate administrator. But if the decision is overturned, without input from the teacher, what instead has happened? The administrator of course, can be the “good guy,” happily providing unhappy parents with the salve they need. And the teacher gets to be the “bad guy,” whose decisions are overruled, whose authority with her student is undermined, and whose relationship with both that parent and student has been seriously jeopardized. (this should come much earlier in your essay if you are trying to be persuasive)
If you’ve read this far, please take one understanding: That if the relationship between teacher and student is the most important part of education, then we must intrude upon it only occasionally, with care, and with a deeper understanding of the impact we may have.
Thanks for your time.

-Frank DeCelie, teacher, October 2009

You’ve let emotion and hyperbole color too much of your essay. Your arguments are weak and easily dismissed. Your real point doesn’t come up until the end – too late for readers who have already stopped reading or are convinced they were not convinced. Your examples are too vague and lack emotional punch. Think instead of what you want to really say. What evidence supports your thinking. There must be more than a single example by now. What have been the consequences of this continued disregard for the sovereignty of a teacher within her classroom who has not violated any district rules? Hope this helps. Love you.